| "You know what really burns my ass?" "A flame about three feet high?" "Cute. No, it's the fact that this is part of the vicious circle." Kyle slumped in his chair and took a drink of his coffee. "I know that justice must be served and whomever smoked Willy should pay, but this won't end the cycle. Monsters aren't born; they're created. You've read the profile on Willy's father. He was a bastard. If anyone should be rotting in jail it should be him. He abuses Willy so Willy becomes a monster. Willy's actions hurt and kill innocent children so parents become obsessively overprotective. Children grow up sheltered and stifled so they rebel, or worse. The cycle is spinning out of control and it's become our job to clean up the mess. The whole damned thing's enough to make me want to puke." Stacia says: Oooh, I really like this. I really only have one comment: Kyle seems like a fast-talking, street-smart guy, so hearing him say "whomever" right before "smoked Willy" feels off. His language on the whole is earthy, so I think it all should be--pare it down a bit--unless that's part of Kyle's character. Maybe Jaye has more? :-) Jaye says: You start out with a very funny couple of lines of dialog. However, it's the third chunk where things go a little astray. I agree with Stacia on the "whomever." It's grammatically correct, but this is dialog and it doesn't ring true given the informal tone of the rest of the dialog. Also, I'd encourage you to tighten that section. "No, it's the fact that this is all.." Could this be pared down to "No, it's the damned vicious circle." The rest could use the same treatment. Cut "that" and forms of "to be" if possible, and combine ideas for more effect. You wrote: "You've read the profile on Willy's father. He was a bastard. If anyone should be rotting in jail it should be him." Could be: "You've read the profile on Willy's father. If anyone needs to rot in jail, it's that bastard." Now, that's just how I'd rewrite it. It's your book so put your own spin on it. The point is, tightening adds more immediacy and more weight to each word. Too many that's, the fact is, etc. bog down the prose. They can be effective if you're character is prevaricating, but that's not the point of his speech. All that is tweaking, though. You've got a great foundation. |
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I'd echo Jaye's suggested tweaking. At the same time, I wonder how much the whole thing reads as unbalanced due to the length of that part of the snippet compared to the pithy quippiness at the start.
TM, that's the problem with critiquing such a short excerpt. But I hope that our general input can help people see common weak spots.
The monologue does come off a bit soapbox-ey, but I think Jaye's suggestion for tightening will help that.
I wanna know who the smartass character is!
Great job!!
I liked this snippet a lot. Those first couple lines really pulled me in. I agree with Jaye, that big block of dialogue could be pared down a bit. The "whomever" did cause me to pause, being unextected.
Great job!
Yes, it is hard when the excerpts are so short--we miss things that may be a particular character's idiosyncracy, or whatever. But hopefully people are still finding it helpful. :-)
Oh, I'm finding it very helpful. Sometimes I just can't turn off the devil's advocate thing.
The crits so far have been great! Lots of tips and tricks I need to read through my writing for. :)
But I think to, to show maybe a bit more frustration, I'd break up the second paragraph and have him DO something... like wave his mug and slosh his coffee b/c he gestured without thinking... or something. :)
It definitely draws you right in though.
Thank you ladies! And all the other comments as well. This was a bit soap boxy on my part and that's why I picked it. I've tried to keep my dialogue tight but went off on this one. Definitely ready to par it down.
As for who the smart ass is? The sooner I get him published the sooner everyone can find out.