| ***Note: We have reached our entry limit, so please don't send any more submissions. Thanks!*** "She's a menace," Tournbould stated, sensing Stanislav's hesitancy over what to do with the girl upstairs, "she should never have been given such authority at such a young age. You and I know that." "Yes, but she's so gifted. I have never met the likes." "Which makes her all the more dangerous. I doubt she could be sent back to the Arm she trained at. It's obvious they were unable to control her. Better to send her to Grishtok. Let Rurik deal with her." "He won't like it. And it would reflect poorly on my own control that I need to send a girl of only nineteen to my Head to deal with. Better it is dealt with here. Make her an example," Stanislav said as he considered his dilemma. "Why don't you mask her powers? Make her a servant and have her learn some humility?" Tournbould suggested, warming to the idea. "It would be a good example and word would spread that you didn't abandon her or make her homeless but kept her safe from herself and others safe from her." "And what if she cracks?" "The asylum-" Stacia says: Oh dialogue tags, dialogue tags, thou art the bane of my existence. Here's the problem with dialogue tags: they're telling, and they're usually redundant. Also, they break up the flow of the dialogue itself, so instead of people having a conversation they're uttering a line, then standing around waiting for the other person to speak, then waiting to speak again. That's how it can feel to a reader, anyway. It's not your fault, writer. It takes a lot of work and confidence before you really feel comfortable ripping those dirty little things out of your book--I still write too many tags in my first drafts. You don't need to tell us Tournbould sensed Stanislav's hesitance over what to do, we probably know that by this point, and we know it from the dialogue. Don't tell us Stanislav is considering his dilemma, we know that because they're discussing it. Don't tell us Tournbould warmed to the idea, it's his idea so of course he likes it. Take those out and see how much more smoothly this reads. Also Tournbould's last full line should be two shorter ones, IMO, but since I've gone on about the dialogue tags I'll see if Jaye has any suggestions for the dialogue itself. Jaye says: Stacia makes an excellent point about telling via dialog tags. To break up the dialog try focusing on helping the reader see the scene and learn more about the characters. If one of them is frustrated, show us by having him clench his fists. Or pacing in front of a long, wooden table with a single candle burnt down to the numb. Except not those because they're lame. You know your story, so layer in some details that fit the tone and the characters. I think you do a great job with the dialog itself. The word choices give us good information about who these characters are. That said, it could use some tightening. I don't want to mess with your voice, but take a look to see if you could say more with less words. People don't always speak in complete sentences. Also, try breaking some of the longer stretches into shorter sentences. Like the following: "It would be a good example and word would spread that you didn't abandon her or make her homeless but kept her safe from herself and others safe from her." "It would be a good example. Word would spread that you didn't abandon her. Instead you kept her safe--and others safe from her." Breaking it up like that allows you to put more emphasis on important ideas, i.e. "..others safe from her." Also, "she should never have been given such authority at such a young age." She should be capitalized. I also think "You and I know that" is unnecessary. I'm intrigued by this, though. "The asylum--" Poor girl. |
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Thank you!! I appreciate it! I definitely am dialogue tag happy. Wonderful advice. I will have to swarm through my words tonight and fix them up!! :)
Thanks, Stacia! And thanks and nice to meet you, Jaye!
Yes, the asylum plays a big part in my story... muwhahaha!! Nothing like crazy people to make things interesting.
Hi Melissa! Glad to help. We may have to run another contest just to find out what happens next in all these excerpts.
Nothing like crazy people to make things interesting.
Do you mean the author or the characters?
tmthomas... both, of course! I don't think there is any writer who isn't a little bit nuts... I mean, where else do you come up with all the ideas!!
And Jaye, when I'm done writing it, I'll let you beta... see? Aren't I nice? Muwahahaha!! :) *evilchuckle*
Lol I had the same thought, Jaye! I keep wanting to email the entrants and ask what the book is about, so I don't have to wonder.
Goes to show how much I know. I thought the dialogue tags were suited perfectly in the example. As a reader, I didn't even notice them. I knew who was speaking for a change. :)
Hm, I didn't notice the tags either, except for "stated." It seems too stiff; I use it when writing meeting minutes at work.
The thing that caught me was the volume of words. I'm assuming both characters are male authority figures...that type of character usually goes for an economy of words.
"No. It reflects poorly on my control to send a girl of nineteen to my Head. Better it is dealt with here. Make her an example,"
JMO. :)
"except for "stated." It seems too stiff" -ironically, that's exactly what I wanted to come across. :) Heehee...
BTW- Stacia & Jaye- have outline... will send if you REALLY are that curious. Heehee... I'm shameless... -Missy
My League two cents here...
The trouble I see a lot of time with dialog tags is that new-ish writers try to be over clever with every tag. If you have tags to attribute dialog, use them sparingly. You can get away with "said" 95% of the time as it's invisible, but when you have a large group of characters in a room, its probably best to keep some sense of flow to use it.
It's when a new writer picks a "clever" word everytime that the dialog attribute becomes visible and takes us out of the story.
If what they're actually SAYING isn't implied in the dialog, find a better way to fit it in there.. for example your line:
"Why don't you mask her powers? Make her a servant and have her learn some humility?" Tournbould suggested, warming to the idea.
Given what is being said, its overstating that it's a suggestion because the actual dialogue is clearly a suggestion. Am I making sense?
*goes back to sleep*
I'm liking this thread, because as a new writer I had the feeling I was overusing "said" and was always stuck trying to find other tags.
Lots of awesome advice today!! Thanks, Leaguers!! :) I love this kind of stuff.
-me again... b/c well, it's my dialogue and I'm nosy... and yeah.
Isn't this dialog awesome? It is unique and intriguing and leaves you wanting more?
Oops, I cheat. I know who submitted this and I have read more. It's awesome.
I wish I could contribute, but there is so much good advice I'd just be repeat. Having said that, I've always heard that "he said" "she said" or "Bob said" "Karen said" are invisible and don't interrupt the flow of the dialogue. I know it works that way for me. But as a writer, it is so tempting to put in an occasion, "he said suspiciously."