| ***Note: We have reached our entry limit, so please don't send any more submissions. Thanks!*** A warm breeze brushed across the sands of the Great Fire Desert, stirring the golden grains slightly. The movement caused by the wind was about the only movement to be seen- heat lay over everything like a thick, invisible blanket. Beneath the burning sands, in a cool, dim chamber, an amazing discovery was being made. "Professor Hassan!" a slim girl called. "Yes, Ophelie?" A tall man appeared from behind a large boat. He was Professor Hassan, a professor who had devoted his life to finding out more about ancient cultures. "I just found a false wall," Ophelie said. "Really? How?" Professor Hassan hurried around the edge of the boat as he spoke. "I was tracing some of the hieroglyphs on the wall, and I must have pressed some hidden trigger," Ophelie explained. "The room isn't very big, though." Stacia says: Professor Hassan hurried around the edge of the boat. "Really? How?" And, I'm a total sucker for trapdoors and hidden rooms. Jaye says: I'm a bit confused about whose point of view this scene is in. It seems as if a narrator is talking at the beginning: "an amazing discovery was being made" and "a slim girl called". If it's not a narrator, then those elements might be confusing. Since it's such a short excerpt, it's hard to tell if it's really an issue, though. "I just found a false wall," Ophelie said.--You could drop the dialog tag here. It's pretty clear who's speaking without it. Also, I agree with Stacia that the last line of dialog for the professor is too wordy. Try breaking it up a bit. I also like her suggestion about putting the Prof's action before the "Really?" It adds more urgency and breaks up the dialog. Also, it might be nice if you describe the boat. Since I assume this is a dig of some sort, this is a great place to give a clue about what they're working on, as well as adding some texture to the scene. Nice job! |
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The POV for this scene is throwing me a bit. The tone of the narrative sounds like it's YA, and that totally works, but because of that I expected to be in Ophilie's POV for the dialogue. If it is omniscient I understand the progression from "a slim girl called" to "Ophilie said," but the tags are a bit heavy. Replacing them with action like brushing her bangs from her eyes, or fidgeting with excitement could add more characterization.
The opening narrative could be tightened up a bit, and because I'm new at this and still follow the rules I'd put the Professor's movement around the boat before his dialog (action before reaction).
I'm too lazy to critique, so I'll just say that the "tone" (I'm like Randy Jackson with "pitchy") really worked for me...it has a light YA-tinged flair that I like.
(or maybe I'm the Paula Abdul of this group)
Oh, tmt... you are soooo the Paula. ;) Mark's Paula and Randy and Simon all combined in one- shake up- stir and who knows who's going to come out next!!
Yes, it left me wondering more about what is in that chamber, and about that boat. I got a YA vibe, too, but no idea who was the POV character.